Living in Flow

"To hang on to the past is to die a little each day." -Howard Wight

http://www.thejakartapost.com/yesterdaydetail.asp?fileid=20050904.@04

Marriage season upon us, tying us in knots

Features - September 04, 2005

The Rajab month has arrived, with Rajab 27 falling on Sept. 2. For Muslims, the day marks the ascension of Prophet Muhammad SAW. For most Javanese and Sundanese, whose traditions are as much influence by Islam as by Hindu and Buddha, this month is considered an auspicious time to wed. I don’t know why.

My friend Dee and I are both in our early 30s. I’m single and she’s recently divorced. Unsurprisingly, when we attend weddings, we’re both bombarded with questions from supposedly well-meaning friends, who unfortunately often appear to be intrusive. To me, they invariably ask: "Where’s your boyfriend and when are you getting married?" To Dee, it has always been the unsolicited advice of: "He’s a jerk, poor you, but don’t get stressed, it’s much better to have a husband than not".

It’s obvious why Dee and I prefer to attend weddings together whenever possible, because then we can lend each other support when people’s questions become suffocating.

I still go to weddings. I actually enjoy them, plus I won’t let some snide remarks stop me from coming to celebrate a loved ones’ love fest. Other friends, attractive, successful professionals in their 30s, stopped attending weddings long ago because of the barrage of often insulting questions. I don’t blame them. If you play it too cool, people start rumors of you being gay. If you happen to be moody and give a rather assertive reply, there goes the whole sensitive spinster thing.

This weekend Dee and I were invited to the wedding of a dancing buddy, a shy guy who turns into Ricky Martin once the music starts. He met his bride in dancing circles, which gives Dee and I some hope that there are eligible, straight single men who like and know how to dance. His reception was full of dancing enthusiasts, and everybody arrived wearing their glitziest dancing shoes and carrying a mixed CD. Someone nudged the DJ to start early, and people scrambled to the dance floor, forsaking the kambing guling and chicken satay, surrendering to the allure of Latin music. It was a pure blast.

I was just taking a break after a five-song salsa marathon with a dynamic Latino when someone tapped my shoulder. Apparently a college friend who works with the bride. Predictably, right after the usual pleasantries, the ultimate question ensued. Upon hearing I was single, instead of the typical "Oh you must be very picky" response, she let out a sigh. Not judgmental, but more like disappointment. Why, I asked. "Cause I thought that hot Latino was your man and I was just very happy for you," she said.

I laughed so loud Shakira’s voice disappeared into the background momentarily. Honey, be happy nevertheless, cause I’m actually happy right now. I’m here with good friends, and I just burned 600 calories doing the salsa. Hot Latino boyfriend or not, I’m really having a good time, so please don’t tell me that I should be feeling like I’m lacking something, Allow me to indulge in it while it lasts, before I return to my normal life that includes attending the nuptial ceremony earlier today. Life’s events regularly remind me of my single status already. Allow me to deal with it privately. I don’t need people to put me on the spot and expect some graceful response all the time.

Naah, I didn’t give her the speech. Instead, I gave her a peck on the cheek and made a detour to the dance floor. Dee was turning and flipping with a groomsman who’s apparently a much better dancer than the groom. And as any wise dancer knows, you need a man who can lead to make the dance work. I needed to wrestle that man away from Dee.

It’s just another weekend for us singles here in Jakarta. You just smile, and salsa away…. Nos bailamos, amigos!

–Miss Sassy

This article was from The Jakarta Post Sunday, August 28, 2005. I am sure that soo many people out there can relate to this socially-constructed "problem" (i.e., it becomes a "problem" when other people thinks it is).

–ND–

http://www.thejakartapost.com/detailweekly.asp?fileid=20050828.@04

August 28, 2005
To be single … or not to be
 

Recently, I saw two local movies that enraged me. No, it’s not because they’re badly written, poorly executed or starred a model trying hard to be an actress. (I’ll leave that to Joko Anwar to decide.) It’s the message that annoyed me, the "Go get married or you’ll be doomed" message. Oh, please.

Cinta Silver is one such film. Throughout, we hear Rima Melati’s character asking her 35-year-old son to get married. Over, and over, and over to the point that it just gets too much.

Okay, I should understand every mother’s wish to see their children (happily) married. It’s only human.

Who wouldn’t like a joyous wedding followed by more babies to fill this overcrowded world? But, hey, when it’s thrown in your face for almost two hours and leaves you feeling that if you’re single you have a disease, that’s just sick.

A lot of lines in the film will make singletons feel they did something bad, that they won’t reach "good son" status until they are married. And that life won’t be complete without your other (better) half.

Sure. Now watch those infotainment shows and you’ll see how many married couples are filing divorce papers and crying over splitting the TV.

We should know that it doesn’t take marriage papers to be happy. But this doesn’t mean you have to be single to be happy, either. The thing is, there should always be a choice for everyone to decide what they want to be — single or not.

Another movie, Vina Bilang Cinta, fell onto the same bandwagon. It appeared only in one line, but it bugged me instantly. There’s this 30-something, independent, successful woman character telling Rachel Maryam’s character, "I don’t want you to end up like me. Alone."

Gosh, you’re a successful woman, and yet you still don’t want people to be like you, simply out of your state of singleness. So what if you’re single? So what if Rachel’s character wants to be single, isn’t it her right to decide for herself?

Since movies brought me to this ranting, another movie provides a balance. Sadly, it’s not a local one.

Remember how Hugh Grant’s single life in About a Boy changed when he learned life’s greatest lessons from a boy? The idea is basically the same with Cinta Silver, that no man’s an island.

But where About a Boy changed a selfish man into someone who cares for others, Cinta Silver wants to change someone who’s not married to someone who is.

This is exactly like our society. When a girl over 20 comes to a wedding, you can bet she’ll be asked by a whole troupe, "Where’s your boyfriend?" When she brings the boyfriend in question, unfortunately, the question changes: "When are you getting married?" When she gets married, it’s: "Any plans on having a baby soon?" The vicious circle just won’t end.

The thing is, everyone thinks being with someone will make them happier. I’m not saying it can’t, but in the 21st century, it’s sad to judge someone’s life based on their love life.

Against all else, we should know the more important question to ask someone you care about is, "Are you happy?"

People look and long for love, naturally. Some through marriage, some from their friends, some from family. Millions of people want to get married, but maybe millions of others don’t.

There’s nothing wrong with either, so don’t judge one side from another. Honestly, is it a crime to be single? — Kenny Santana