Living in Flow

Jakarta Nightlife: The Feminist View

From The Jakarta Post: Features - Sunday, October 09, 2005

Gender politics in Indonesia exist on a different plane from those of the West. This country annually commemorates the work of Raden Adjeng Kartini and her struggle for the emancipation of Indonesian Muslim women. Yet it is a struggle that has by no means achieved its goals. With this in mind, empowered western women can face a struggle of their own trying to find a niche within the society here that they can feel comfortable in, a problem that is thrown into sharp relief when they try to have a night out on the town.

According to the Indonesian sociologist Julia I Suryakusuma in her fascinating new book Sex, Power and Nation, "Indonesians deplore the influence of pergaulan bebas Barat (liberal western social norms) which in essence means socializing too freely among the sexes, leading to pre and extramarital sex and other immoral practices. Why they should be pinned so specifically on the West is strange, as Indonesia has its own indigenous brand of pre and extramarital sex. As such, it appears to be a way of projecting Indonesia’s own permissiveness and immorality on the dominant West."

Women here are supposed to be chaste before marriage and have traditionally been emasculated to the point that they can’t venture out after dark. This being the case, late night bars or discotheques are still, to an extent, demonized as the domain of the "bad" girl. Jakarta is a more progressive place than the rest of the country and its night spots are chock solid with young people enjoying themselves with their mates. Nevertheless, many of the metropolis’ bars and clubs, even (or especially) the ones in five-star hotels are full of what are euphemistically referred to as night butterflies or rather less pleasantly, chickens.

Indonesians sometimes talk disdainfully of the decadent West and the perceived immoralities of "free sex". Well, sex is largely free in the West, I guess … it’s certainly not as normal to pay for it as it can seem to be over here. Furthermore, the fact that sex is so outrageously "free" in the heathen West doesn’t necessarily mean there’s much of the stuff available to a lot of people. On the other hand, according to our old friend Julia, "Despite the rhetoric of Islamic and Eastern values, most Indonesians are essentially sensual, Epicurean and aesthetic, and love sex (also talking about it), good food and beauty."

So what does your modern emancipated lady think about the town’s various nightlife options? Do they sometimes feel like they are trapped in some factory farm chicken coop? Or do they enjoy diving into the strange and exotic world of Jakarta after dark? I asked a friend of mine to elaborate. We’ll call her Miss X. Although her real name is Suparna Ghansham, an English teacher at a central Jakarta English course. How does she manage to navigate the virgin/whore myth emerge with her sanity intact?

"I have to say that most of the women I see around on ladies’ nights are quite a disgrace to womanhood and a slap in the face to the woman of substance. I often see them throwing themselves at white men like they were the last of the male species," an uncompromising assessment from my friend, unquestionably.

She told me that BATS in the five-star hotel Shangri La is "a bit sleazy". CJ’s, the extremely popular bar in the swanky Hotel Mulia in Senayan was described by my friend as being full of tarts and tarted up non-tarts. Sometimes you can tell if someone is professional or not; the brightness and thickness of their lipstick is always a good sign, I reckon. Retro at the Crowne Plaza? "The last time I went there I got in for free and was handed Fiesta mint-flavored condoms at the door!" Hmmm. Untitled Bar in the JW Marriot? "Full of butt-grabbers galore, and the butts that were grabbed belonged to some waitresses too. I guess they think it is part of their job to be randomly manhandled." Clearly Jakarta’s sleaze has the potential to seriously annoy your more educated and enlightened female.

The meat-market factor can be unquestionably high for a nominally Muslim country.

Perhaps this week’s column has been my personal revenge on the bombers. I have been discussing Jakarta here, but Bali is similarly liberal in its easy-going melee of tourists and locals. I thought writing something a bit sexy would annoy these confused individuals beyond the grave. For let there be no mistake, sexuality is one of the primary issues at the heart of this ludicrous Bush-Bin Laden clash of civilizations. Sex and perceived sexual decadence; sexuality and its repression (ironically favored by both Bush and Bin Laden); sexual repression of females (perhaps slightly more on the Bin Laden side, that one).

Sexuality pierces to the heart of the human psyche, to the seething, tensing engine of the Id. To deny the release and sublimation of sexual tension, as the Saudi/Wahabi/Jamaah Islamiyah mind-set does, causes desire to turn in on itself and mutate into guilty self-flagellation whilst also contributing to the persecution and repression of the objects of sexual desire by the dominant sex, i.e. the virgin or whore polarity. This is just one of the fantastic legacies that organized religions have bequeathed us over the centuries. And now, having used the word sex about 10 times in two paragraphs, I risk provoking the fury of such religions; history shows us that violence is more acceptable to those of faith than sex (that’s 11).

But to take a soft line, can we at least have a month’s peace for Ramadhan before we’re plunged into yet another 11-month ocean of insanity. Let love reign everyone.  – Simon Pitchforth

Source: http://www.thejakartapost.com/yesterdaydetail.asp?fileid=20051009.C02

Dahlink, he’s just not that into you

From: The Jakarta Post- Features - Sunday, October 09, 2005

I was watching Oprah one day when she introduced a new book by screenwriter Liz Tuccillo and screenplay consultant Greg Behrendt from the hit show Sex and the City. No. the book isn’t a sequel to Carrie Bradshaw’s life, but consists of straightforward advice for women to cut through men’s typical excuses — from another man’s perspective.

I’d read many books in my exasperating attempt to understand men, but they were all written by women. A man’s perspective would be refreshing.

I finally saw it in a bookstore when I was stranded at Hong Kong airport due to a flight mix-up. It turned out to be such a page-turner it kept me away from the duty-free shops until I boarded my plane.

In blunt, snazzy fashion, Behrendt delivered one silver bullet after another to defeat the various sad excuses that Tucillo had heard from men all her life. According to Behrendt, the too-busy-to-call, just-out-of-a-relationship, strong-women-intimidate-me, but-it-was-just-sex-with-her, and other imaginable excuses men come up with, only mean that the man isn’t that into the woman. Because if a man is really into a woman, he’ll decently come through no matter what.

I tried to retrieve some old memories of the long line of scoundrels I’d met, and was surprised to see them scattered around the pages.

Take that boy in college freshman year. He was adamant about not using the term "boyfriend", and I thought it didn’t matter as long as we were spending quality time together. My positive attitude was crushed when I accidentally found out that he was still seeing his high-school ex who was attending college in another town. Behrendt’s answer to this is found in Chapter 3: He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you, and "quality hanging-out time" doesn’t qualify as dating.

The preppy banker during post-college work. After pursuing me intensely for months, we eventually dated, and he later proposed. He left anyway as his bourgeois parents didn’t see as me having the appropriate pedigree and wanted him to marry a family friend who had the right last name. Behrendt’s Ch. 7: He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you. Plus, he’s a spineless materialistic mama’s boy — that’s from me.

This was all an eye-opener. I thought, had I read it years ago it would’ve saved me hours of analyzing, crying, self-blaming and getting frustrated. To my credit, I always managed to move on at the end, but I admit to having this lingering thought that if I’d done it just a bit differently, the men would’ve stayed. Behrendt said it wouldn’t matter, because nothing would stop a man from being with the woman he’s really into, and if there’s a problem, he’d discuss it maturely in order to stay with her, instead of just using lame excuses to leave.

My friend KD, a well-connected PR exec and attractive single mom, called. She’s confused about a foreign TV ad director she romanced briefly last year, who has since seldom contacted her, but suddenly called today, announcing his presence in town to shoot an ad, claiming to suffer from colds and coyly pleading with her to console him in his hotel suite. I assured KD that hotel-staying colds-having grown-up men are perfectly capable of ordering chicken soup from room service, and painkillers and extra blankets from housekeeping, and if must, calling a doctor through the concierge. And since he’s not regularly calling, mostly disappearing on her, plus acting like a selfish jerk, he can’t be that into her.

Or my brainy investment analyst pal Viola, who’s been entangled with a colossal jackass she met at work. The man has since got another job and become engaged to another woman, while Viola still faithfully tended to his every whim in the hope that one day he’d return to her. When she called me for her usual pity party, I told her I wouldn’t preach this time and instead would send her a book to read with special attention to Ch. 10: He’s not that into you if, after so many years, he’s just unavailable for whatever reason.

God, this feels so liberating. I need to grab whatever copies are still available out there, because this book will just make a fantastic Christmas present for my girlfriends. Hail Behrendt. – Miss Sassy

Source: http://www.thejakartapost.com/yesterdaydetail.asp?fileid=20051009.@02